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if i could have prepared for this…

If I could have prepared this woman for the amazing feats she would overcome; the accolades she would achieve and more importantly, prepare her for the heartache she would yet experience… then in a day, not so long ago, I would say “yes, yes, please tell me.”

Because in a day not so long ago, I would try to prepare and control; navigate and fight and at that time, I would 100% believe that I alone had the power to control my destiny.

But now, I realize that all of *THAT* my thought pattern back then would all be an ILLUSION. Now I know better.

I know that I have control over nothing. But I have a choice in everything.

I know that I have the ability to take a risk; but, no matter how calculated that risk, certain things are left to…

WHAT DO YOU CALL IT?

Chance? Luck? Energy?

I don’t even know what word I want to use it for this experience. Help me out here tribe xoxo.

Well friends, as expected, as all the experts warned me, my first #IVF has failed. And even that word #fail, holds such an ache in the deep of my belly.

All of this build up of months of shots and pills and tests and blood work and ultra sounds and more of all of the above, ALL shredded to smithereens, emptied into to a wasteland in a matter of one day, less than 24 hours and a 2 minute phone call.

My healthy mind knows that I didn’t fail at anything. I had a choice. I took a risk. I knew I had to try.

My inner critic shames me and reminds me, “Lee-Ann, you are always late to the party. Why would you think this would be any different?”

And somewhere in between, I am sad and disappointed, wandering through a far away vast and lonely cave that doesn’t seem to have an exit. I’m lost in a never ending abyss of what I had hoped for will never be.

But will it though? Will it never be?

I am reminded that despite outcomes, I always have a choice. And with a choice, I always have options.

My tunnel isn’t a dead end. I just must search for an alternate route.

I am here to remind you tribe, that no matter how cliche it sounds, I 100% believe that when there is a will, there is a way.

Have you experienced great disappointment or loss lately?

How did you navigate that grief?

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