in limbo

2019 is your year! Together we can make this one of our #happiest and #healthiest – #believe it. Let’s all take some time this week to slow down and #reflect on what it is we want and need and to be honest with ourselves on what it takes to make these goals a reality.  My year used to be like clockwork in terms of my passion for #triathlon #racing. For over a decade, this physical outlet has given me great direction, purpose and focus to tackle life’s tough lessons which have included the intense #drugaddiction of several very close family members; my diagnosis of #ulcerativecolitis; mandatory and permanent #ostomy surgery and most recently, our recent #miscarriage of my identical twin boys at 20 weeks.

Before THAT very devastating loss, racing had always been my distraction to push through. Now, I’m in #LIMBO. Race; don’t want to race. Kids? Maybe; maybe not. I do not have a definitive answer to anything. I wish I did. It would be so much easier to just know exactly, right?

I do know that I hate limbo. Limbo is chaos for me. I’m not a fly by the seat of my pants gal. I crave structure. I need an action plan. I live for a schedule. I find my purpose in accomplishing tasks; getting things done; especially when it comes to my own physical fitness goals.

I just finished watching the #Netflix documentary Ronnie Coleman: The King. It’s a good one. Ronnie Coleman’s work ethic, can-do attitude, never giving up, and always wanting to be better-despite all of his obstacles-resonated with me. Ronnie Coleman has had surgery after surgery. The once Mr. Olympia now can only walk with crutches and canes. He lives in constant pain. Yet, he perseveres. He keeps pushing forward. He keeps his workout routine. He keeps a positive attitude. He gets knocked down and always gets back up. In one scene, Coleman’s surgeon was asked if he thought that his exercise routine hindered his current situation. And his surgeon replied that although he would prefer that Ronnie ease up on his exercise, he knew that Ronnie NEEDED that for his normalcy and his sanity.

I GET IT.

Are you in limbo too?

In the meantime, I’m going to slowly return to all of the things that I’ve loved and see what sticks. For right now, I’m not making any concrete plans to compete in anything. I hope that in time, I will settle into a new routine that will satisfy my neurotic side; one that will also nourish my soul. And who knows, it may be all of the things that used to serve my purpose or it may not. And I’m working on easing up. THAT is harder said than done. Because sometimes living by a check list is pretty stressful.